You too can have a Boris Johnson haircut.

Hair cutting for those who (like me) are self-isolating might seem to be a problem. Well it isn't if you employ the Ralph Musgrave Heath Robinson Boris Johnson system, which is as follows.

Basically just get a bit of waste pipe – the sort used to drain sinks and baths. You’re bound to find some lying around somewhere, e.g. in a skip.

Attach the pipe to your vacuum cleaner hose (on the left in the picture). Cut a slit in the pipe which is just big enough to take the pair of scissors you’re going to use to cut your hair. When the end of the pipe not attached to the vacuum cleaner is placed against your head, your hair is drawn up the pipe and between the blades of a pair of scissors. 

The "scissor hole" needs to be a distance from the end of the pipe which is equal to the length of hair you want left on your head (about 50mm in my case).

Cut  some notches in the end of the pipe which goes against your head so that when the pipe is place against your head, plenty of air is draw in to force your hair up and into the gap between the scissor blades. 

Then with the vacuum cleaner on, move the pipe back and forth over your head with one hand, while your other hand opens and closes the scissor blades. Bits of hair cut off are of course drawn into the vacuum cleaner bag. Obviously, having done that, you'll need to go round the back and sides with scissors or a barber's electric trimmer to tidy up a bit.

If the diameter of the waste pipe is EXACTLY the same as the vacuum cleaner hose, you may be able to find a so called “straight connector” (designed to connect two bits of waste pipe) to connect the two.  If you can’t find a connector, then cut a length of waste pipe about 50mm long lengthways (as in the pictures) and force that over both the vacuum cleaner hose and the bit of pipe which the scissors enter – see pictures below.

Then push the “up against your head” bit of pipe hard up against the vacuum hose end – see picture just below. 

If the waste pipe is SLIGHTLY bigger than the vacuum hose end, you may be able to force it over the vacuum hose end. If it won’t go, try cutting some lengthways slits in the waste pipe. Alternatively put the first 40mm or so of waste pipe into boiling water for about 20 seconds. That will soften it, and enable it to be forced over the vacuum hose end. After leaving to cool, you will find the now expanded bit of waste pipe WILL RETAIN its new diameter, so when using it a second and third time, there will be no need to put it in boiling water again. 
 
I found the above system works a treat. I doubt I’ll ever go to a barber again. Think of the time and money saved.

BTW: use a new vacuum bag, not a used/dirty one because that will cut the strain on the vacuum cleaner motor and cut electricity consumption. Plus if there’s an inner bag in the vacuum bag, remove it, or at least part of it: there’s no fine dust to collect, so two bags are superfluous.

Warning: this is all at your own risk. I’ve no idea what the potential hazards are. You may get sucked up into the vacuum cleaner bag and meet your demise there.